Why I Would Never Get a Gold Tooth

Jemma Lucy reveals new gold teeth as she films bling dental session on Snapchat

As of late, I noticed that the trend of dental gold decorations is creeping back into fashion, and personally, I think that gold teeth are weird.

I think my view of gold teeth has been tainted by my past experiences with them and the people that had them.

Growing up, older men who were balding and loved wearing colorful, Hawaiian-inspired shirts with a cob of chest hair popping out of the top of their shirt, and also with dozens of gold chains and bracelets hanging from their bodies and a scar somewhere on their faces used to have gold teeth. These men were usually Township men who ran taverns, or uncles who my mom used to warn me against. These men were down-right creepy.

Every time they pretended to be friendly with the kids by showing them some form of politeness (they didn’t realize that this petrified the little kids and made them even more afraid of them), they would smile and all you could see was that creepy gold tooth shining from their mouths.

Older boys who enjoyed causing trouble in the neighborhood used to have gold teeth. You just knew that when they smiled, flashing that golden canine tooth that was lodged into their jaw, that there was trouble coming your way, especially if you were a girl. At that point, girls knew to walk briskly in the opposite direction to avoid being cat-called.

But ultimately, I associate gold teeth with those ghetto girls who used to go around the township bullying other (usually much prettier) girls. Women who had gold teeth were generally non-attractive and quite ratchet, wearing clothes two sizes too small for them. They were usually the first ones on the dance floor shaking their bums like dancing was going out of fashion and they were loud and all-around dramatic.

So I’d say that in these modern times, a gold tooth is quite ratcheting and it isn’t a symbol of wealth as it was perceived in times of old. I’d like us all to agree to keep our teeth natural and white and leave gold in the mines or in bank reserves.